One of the surprisingly common questions visably disabled people get asked in public by complete strangers is whether we can have sex. This purient interest seems to be universal and I’ve been asked by men and women, young and old. It’s more common when out for an evening when people have had a few drinks bit I’ve been asked on a train on the way into work too. People will ask disabled people a range of things they’d never dream of asking a non-disabled person, especially a complete stranger.
For most disabled people, the answer is yes, but it’s complicated. There are the usual range of sexualities, sexual identities and levels of libido amongst disabled people as there are in non-disabled people. Disabled asexual and aromantic people exist in the same way they do in the wider population so not all disabled people who don’t have sex are not having it because of disability or circumstances.
Talking of circumstances, the term ‘involuntary celibate’ was originally coined to describe those people who, because of living settings, were unable to persue sexual relationships. This can include those living in care homes where the management forbids sexual activity between residents, those where they need personal care and assistance for sexual activity and don’t have a support network that enables this and those whose living conditions prevent them making appropriate contact with potential partners. This term has been hijacked by those inadequates who think that the world owes them a sexual relationship when what’s stopping them is their personality and behaviours rather than circumstances beyond their control. Of course, disabled people can fit into this catergory too. We can be angels, arseholes and everything in between.
Sex as a disabled person is complicated. For a lot of us, our bodies function differently. They are more sensitive, less sensitive, bend more, bend less, tire more easily or need more energy for a given scenario. Undressing can be tricky and we often have a range of thhings attached to us that complicate matters meaning we need to work around them or carry spares. A late night knee-trembler around the back of Aldi isn’t impossible but would take quite a bit of planning.
There’s also how we feel about ourselves. Some are raised to belive that sex ‘isn’t for them’ and people won’t find them attractive. Others will have issues with body image due to the disability or the medical interventions it has required. Some will have had significant negative experiences.
I’ve got no real conclusions apart from asking people to stop asking such intrusive questions when we’re just going about our daily lives. Also, if you are thinking about having sex with a disabled person, keeping a sense of humour and expectng the odd false start goes a long way.
Wonky Bloke Thoughts 