Wonky Bloke Thoughts

I love seeing images of disabled people celebrating their bodies and enjoying them as physical, sexual things.

Disabled bodies can be wonky, scarred, assortedly non-standard and let us down but they are ours and we deserve to be able to enjoy them when we can. This can be difficult in a world where bodies like ours are seen as ‘other’ and even offensive. Over the last few years the ‘democratisation’ of publishing through things like blogs, image sharing sites and social media has meant that disabled people have been able to tell their stories more freely with less editorial intervention.

I’ve done it myself. I started taking pictures of myself then putting them online and learning to appreciate the ‘good’ bits and ‘bad’ bits. To see myself from a different angle and to be honest about my body and that I can and do enjoy it. It’s very hard to not use the word ‘despite’ here. The idea of disabled people doing ‘normal’ things despite their disability is so woven into the culture I grew up and live in, that it’s difficult for me even as a disabled person to articulate some things without falling into those patterns of thought. My disability is entwined throughout all I am and my identity as I was born with it. It has shaped every aspect of my life. I’m sexual and enjoy my sexuality as much because of my disability as despite it

I have two friends, both disabled, who have also found this gateway back into their bodies and sexualities. One has fairly recently become disabled and one has been disabled all their life. The one who recently became disabled felt that she wasn’t who she had been and needed to regain some of that sense of self. The other had always been in touch with her sexuality and body and had sucessful relationships but when the menopause hit, she lost this connection. By creating images and then sharing them they have reconnected with their bodies and sexuality in a way that they probably would not have any other way. To see the change is wonderful. They are at different stages in the journey and it’s one they are planning to continue.

This is something we need to normalize. Disabled people should be as open and proud about their bodies as they want to be. The image of a nude disabled person should be just like any other nude image in a culture. I’m glad to say there are a few people with a range of disabilities starting to make that happen.

One of the surprisingly common questions visably disabled people get asked in public by complete strangers is whether we can have sex. This purient interest seems to be universal and I’ve been asked by men and women, young and old. It’s more common when out for an evening when people have had a few drinks bit I’ve been asked on a train on the way into work too. People will ask disabled people a range of things they’d never dream of asking a non-disabled person, especially a complete stranger.

For most disabled people, the answer is yes, but it’s complicated. There are the usual range of sexualities, sexual identities and levels of libido amongst disabled people as there are in non-disabled people. Disabled asexual and aromantic people exist in the same way they do in the wider population so not all disabled people who don’t have sex are not having it because of disability or circumstances.

Talking of circumstances, the term ‘involuntary celibate’ was originally coined to describe those people who, because of living settings, were unable to persue sexual relationships. This can include those living in care homes where the management forbids sexual activity between residents, those where they need personal care and assistance for sexual activity and don’t have a support network that enables this and those whose living conditions prevent them making appropriate contact with potential partners. This term has been hijacked by those inadequates who think that the world owes them a sexual relationship when what’s stopping them is their personality and behaviours rather than circumstances beyond their control. Of course, disabled people can fit into this catergory too. We can be angels, arseholes and everything in between.

Sex as a disabled person is complicated. For a lot of us, our bodies function differently. They are more sensitive, less sensitive, bend more, bend less, tire more easily or need more energy for a given scenario. Undressing can be tricky and we often have a range of thhings attached to us that complicate matters meaning we need to work around them or carry spares. A late night knee-trembler around the back of Aldi isn’t impossible but would take quite a bit of planning.

There’s also how we feel about ourselves. Some are raised to belive that sex ‘isn’t for them’ and people won’t find them attractive. Others will have issues with body image due to the disability or the medical interventions it has required. Some will have had significant negative experiences.

I’ve got no real conclusions apart from asking people to stop asking such intrusive questions when we’re just going about our daily lives. Also, if you are thinking about having sex with a disabled person, keeping a sense of humour and expectng the odd false start goes a long way.

We were never a particularly photographic family. We didn’t have albums and albums of family events and from my dad’s time at sea when he visited large swathes of the world. For a while I don’t think there was even a camera in the house.

This changed in 1975. I had large surgery in early July (the week the Americans and Soviets linked up in space) and for being good while in hospital, my parents bought me a 110 point and shoot camera. 12 or 24 shots on a cassette and the flash was a cube with some kind of pyrotechnic material that you plugged into the top and it rotated when you wound the film on. It had no controls apart from the shutter release but I still tried to capture the big events in my life. Somewhere I have blurry photos of my house from the air from a trip in a light aircraft with a friend’s dad who had a pilot’s licence, my dad pulling the face he usually had in front of ‘A’ turret on HMS Belfast, clambering on rocks on The Lizard in cagoules that packed into the chest pocket on a rainy holiday in Cornwall. There are a few of distant specks that were my attempt to capture aircraft at an airshow.

I went away to school and found a range of Time-Life books in the library were full of amazing photojournalism as well as introducing me to Cartier-Bresson, Capa, McCullin and more. I started to see pictures as more than just the snap recording the event. I was lucky, my housemaster was a keen photographer and had a Nikon SLR that he let me have a go with. He taught me to process and print my own images which was like some kind of alchemy. After pestering my parents for what must have been over a year, I got a Zenit E SLR for Christmas. It was a tank of a camera. Fully manual with a built in light meter for calculating exposure I remember being made up with it and shot as much as I could afford to with it. I was never particularly good but I loved it, especially when I saved up and got a longer lens for it. It was clunky and I wasn’t paying much attention to things like composition but was happy when I got results that were in focus and properly exposed. Eventually it suffered a mechanical failure that ripped film to shreds in it and I couldn’t afford to get it fixed.

I left school and got a job and once I’d covered the big expenses like learning to drive and getting my first car, I bought my Olympus OM-10. This felt like my first proper ‘grown-up’ camera and I tried to be a bit more arty with it. I experimented with light trails at night, stalking garden wildlife, portraits of friends and family who’d sit still long enough. I managed to get the airshow shots I’d dreamed of as a kid. As things do, life got in the way and I let the photography slide until I realised that I was just neglecting the camera. I found someone looking to get into photography and gave the camera to them. I had a rugged point and shoot that I used for trips and family events etc that met my needs at the time.

 Then in 2010 I found digital photography and bought my first digital SLR, a Canon EOS 300D. It was very entry level but helped me learn. When I could I upgraded the body and passed that and one of the kit lenses to a family friend who had borrowed it a couple of time and loved using it. I’m not brilliant by any means and definitely not good at landscape or street photography but suspect that’s as much about me not having done it enough to learn what to do or not do. I love shooting people and had some shoots with models where I’m really pleased with the results so I’m getting there slowly.

From the internet I’ve got chatting with people who shoot with film and I bought a film SLR body that fits my digital SLR lenses but due to the last 18 months I’ve not had time to play with yet. It will be interesting having to think through each shot as there are only 24 or 36 shots on a roll. I’ve just bought one of the lenses that came with my Zenit which will be fun to experiment with. Also today, in a complete circle I was offered an OM-10 body so looking forward to the feel of that with what I’ve learned since.

I need to get out there, shoot more, get critique and challenge myself if I want to do photography rather than just being someone with cameras.

Hello! I’m Dave and my pronouns are he/him. This is a “not suitable for work” blog that will hold some of my photography and my thoughts, feelings and experiences around sex and sexuality.

A bit of background. I’m 53 and I’m bisexual. I was born with Spina Bifida, a condition where the spine doesn’t properly develop before birth. This leads to nerve impairment and loss of function. How severe this is depends on how high up the spine the damage is. I’m fairly fortunate that my damage is quite low so I can still walk after a fashion although I can’t really feel my feet. As a result of this I suffered some damage and ended up losing my left leg below the knee in 1999. Now I use a wheelchair for getting around outside of the house.

There are a lot of odd perceptions about disability and sex and growing up the amount of useful sex education I got was effectively zero. I thought I’d blog to be frank about things as I see them, my experiences and things I’ve learned.

I also like photography so will be including photos I’ve taken of myself and others both with my ‘serious’ camera and the universal phone camera.

Feel free to ask any questions and I’ll answer any I can.